Transforming Anger Into Love™ | Emotional Wellness Institute
When You Love an Angry Person Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D. People from all over the After all, he has had many years to practice them before meeting you. He always angry and complaining if I'm never initiated the loving act or if I'm not . Just one of those cases where you meet someone and immediately connect. Is male love like an old, worn sock? Anger in the Age of Entitlement between feeling lovable but unable to meet the emotional desires of.
Early in life, children develop fantasies of being fused with a parent or primary caregiver to compensate for what is emotionally missing in their environment. This fantasy persists into adult life, although it may be largely unconscious. As a result, the hurt individual maintains a sense of pseudo-independence, an attitude that they can take care of themselves without a need for others.
As a result of merging with their parents in their imagination, people continue to both nurture and punish themselves in the same way they were treated by their parents. In addition, as love relationships become more meaningful, deep and threatening, people tend to revert to utilizing the same defense mechanisms that their parents used to avoid pain.
Reacting in a manner similar to their parents offers a sense of safety, regardless of any negative consequences. Once the fantasy bond takes hold, people are extremely reluctant to take a chance again on real love and gratification from a romantic partner. Positive acknowledgment arouses guilt in relation to surpassing the parent of the same sex.
Why Do So Many People Respond Negatively to Being Loved? - PsychAlive
Being chosen or preferred by a loved one in a relationship, or being acknowledged for a success for which others are striving in the workplace, tends to precipitate guilt reactions and self-recriminations. Furthermore, people often feel angry at being acknowledged and because the feeling appears to be irrational, it is suppressed. They distort the very people who made them feel loved, or who supported or acknowledged their success or achievement, and act out passive aggression towards them.
Many mistakenly perceive positive acclaim as an expectation or a demand to continue the behavior that earned them the appreciation and praise. All of these painful emotions are relieved to some extent as people withhold their positive or lovable qualities, adjust their performance downward and unconsciously attempt to diminish or sabotage their success.
It is extremely difficult to get out of that kind of withholding pattern. Accepting being loved stirs up painful existential issues. For this reason, people attempt to modify those loving exchanges rather than go through the painful feelings. Many people have spoken of heightened feelings of death anxiety after feeling especially close emotionally and sexually, and of later reacting with anger and withholding behaviors that lead to deterioration in the relationship.
For the most part, people create the emotional world in which they live. In actuality, they attempt to recreate the world they lived in as children to maintain psychological equilibrium.
Positive events and circumstances, particularly the experience of being loved, seriously interrupt this process. In order to maintain a false sense of safety and security, people utilize the defense mechanisms of selection, distortion and provocation in their relationships.
Suffering can come in many forms but the form I have seen it show up in the most as of late is anger and frustration. It made me think of how at some point or another we all experience someone lashing out towards us in anger. This can often happen to people who stand in the light, as some people who are not feeling the light can react in anger towards those who are because it is reflecting their own sense of lack. Or are they just shut down and hurting?
I do not feel that people at their core are negative. I feel people get into harsh energetic spaces for many reasons. The human experience can be challenging.
Many of us are walking around with scars and walls over our hearts trying to inflict pain because we are experiencing a great deal of pain ourselves and afraid of being hurt even more. It is so hard not to lash out at people who lash out at us.
I know I have felt that way many times in my life; it is shocking to be met with harsh energy and there have been times where my automatic reaction was to meet anger with anger or rudeness with rudeness. You never really know why someone is not able to be in a loving space. And we do not like it when we are feeling resentful, angry, sad or full of fear, yet we get mad at each other when we are in it. It is because it is hard not to take things personally. But as Buddha once said, the self is only an illusion.
We all have our own challenges and our own triggers. I am currently working towards healing my own challenges with my hormones and PMS.
A few days out of the month I feel absolutely terrible. Watch the process of anger eruption between the two of you.
Are You Ready To Meet Frustration With Love?
Learn all you can about how you and your partner set each other off and how you each back off to calm down. Stick to one problem only.Meet Anger and Celvin
Do not bring in other examples of the problem, old history or past grudges. Think of what you want or ways to compromise. Keep bringing the argument back to the issue you are trying to solve. Develop an anti-venting policy for your home. Some people still believe that it is necessary to get their anger out by screaming and yelling. This is an old fashioned ideas that has not been proven by research.
Venting only makes the person feel more justified in their anger and does not solve the problem being addressed. There are at least twelve other anger responses that can be made instead of yelling. Increase the behavior repertoire by practicing other ways to deal with anger.
Know that some arguments cannot be solved. Pick your battles wisely. Let the little things go. Stand up for what you really believe. Yelling hurts me and it hurts you. We can talk about this later. Look the person in the eye and show a quiet strength as you set them straight. Role play saying the words with emphasis with a friend if necessary. Of course, some people will deny they are yelling in a very loud voice.
They may have been screamed at as a child and think the level of anger they are expressing is minimal. Some people are so accustomed to raising their voice in anger that they do not even know they are yelling. Call them on their bluff. Have a tape recorder nearby and record their voice. Imagery can be used to shield against negativity while letting needed information come through.
Sometimes even though the person is yelling, there may be a message you need to hear, despite their loud volume. See my book The Doormat Syndrome for more information about how to shield against negative energy.
They are too flooded with hormones to hear your point of view or to problem solve. Their hormones of adrenalin and cortisol are ruling them, not heir common sense. People who are flooded go for the jugular vein rather than try to resolve differences. Save your breath and energy. Wait until they are calmer and can agree to problem solved instead of yelling. Some angry people have the strong need to be seen as a good guy or girl.
They modify their behavior when others are present to present a nice face to others while they are cruel at home. Talk about volatile topics in a park or in a restaurant. Social convention says people usually keep their voices down in public and not air dirty linen. Of course, this will not work if your partner brings the problem up again with increased anger when you return home.
When You Love an Angry Person - Lynne Namka
Get a mediator who is neutral such as a therapist or an older neutral levelheaded friend or relative that you both respect. Continue to educate yourself on how to live healthy. Help is there for free or for low cost in all kind of forms if you want it. Inebriated people cannot hear information correctly through the haze of alcohol. They often lose their inhibitions when under the influence of alcohol and lose patience with their partner easily.
Leave and talk to him only when he is sober. Make this a steadfast rule for yourself: You will not stay and be abused by someone who is out of control with alcohol or drugs. If you do not have support at home from your partner, get it from friends and self help groups.
Learn from the experts-those people who have angry partners with addictions. People in the twelve step programs have been on the front line of your problem. These self-help groups offer your free education about the types of problems that you are facing. Not all self-help groups are created equal. I recommend checking out several groups and seeing how positive and supportive they are. Choose the one where you feel the most supported.
Some partners have gotten good results by videotaping drunken partners to show them how out of control their behavior gets. People often do not remember what they did when they were drunk. Seeing videotaped evidence of the stupidity of their actions can embarrass the person into seeking help. Of course, you should not try this if your partner might attack you.
Call The Person on His or Her Stuff Relationships have their own subtle set of checks and balances built in to keep people from going too far out of control. In some relationships, however, one person is allowed to do what he wants, and others are taught to comply with his demands through hot anger or cold hostility.
Some caring partners accept the negative behaviors of others and do not give them sufficient reason for making changes. If you have felt helpless in your childhood with an angry parent, you may think that anger in the relationship is the way life is supposed to be. Living with constant anger may be familiar to you, but it is not the norm.
Constant expression of anger over little things is not the way life is supposed to be. This may work if your partner has some voice of reason within and a willingness for justice. A person whose behavior is continually disturbing to others can be told about it during a time when he is calmer. He needs feedback as to how he hurts others so he can evaluate the consequences of his actions. Calling a person on the consequences of their behavior helps maintain the moral order of the relationship.
Loving firmness is the best way to talk to a person about his unacceptable behavior. Remind him that fair is fair, and you expect him to be reasonable with his anger. Calling someone who is physically abusive on his misbehavior will probably cause him to become physically violent.
Only you can decide whether the following information will be of help to your relationship. The following ideas may work for people who live with a reasonably sane, somewhat angry, partner, but do not try them with an out-of control abuser. Have a calm voice and be centered when you suggest the following ideas. What is good for the goose is good for the gander and all the little ducklings. One way to maintain fairness is to insist on having a correction technique for all members of the household.
Correction is a behavioral technique where the person who messes up the environment is required to clean it up as an offer of restitution. The correction procedure holds people responsible for their misbehavior by requiring them to undo, as much as possible, the damage they have done.