5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. (Read Getting the Love You. That's why knowing how your insecurities affect a relationship — and "When thoughts become action — that is where it really starts to break down," "You name it, an insecure person will wonder if they are ever 'enough' [of. If so, here are 7 ways on how to stop being insecure. urge to fill every second of silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Your thoughts could be your relationship's best friend or worst enemy.
Should I feel threatened? Are they less attentive? Why did they pause after I suggested we meet up? Emma said she had often felt inadequate and "not good enough" to be with her current partner. She couldn't possibly understand what he could see in her.
She also told me she had ended many previous relationships because of her insecurity. But we all need the comforts and support that intimacy can bring us. So what can you do if insecurity is blighting your relationships? The insecure flyer will hear the normal mechanism of the air conditioning and twist it within their imagination to signify impending doom via crash and burn. They'll imagine the bored look on an air steward's face to be barely concealed terror because, "He must know something we don't!
5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
They scare themselves by assuming what they imagine represents reality. There are normal 'mechanisms' to any relationship. There are ebbs and flows and mood changes, moments of intimacy and closeness and comfortable spaces. These ebbs and flows are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting an aeroplane to never make a sound or a movement.
Next time you feel insecure, ask yourself what it is you are imagining. Write it down on paper under, 'Stuff I am making up in my head.
Which neatly links to Save 2 Avoid the Certainty Trap Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.
Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship.
The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty. Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts.
So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply. Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain. Your relationship needs room to breathe. Schedule in some 'separate time' and just see it for what it is. The developing flower needing space to grow isn't a sign that it is heading for collapse. If they say one thing don't assume they mean another.
If they say nothing don't assume that their silence is significant, either. Many men relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway? When you stop doing it, you really begin to respect someone's privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts. Constantly asking, "What are you thinking? Some people do this with whole relationships.
Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all.
The extreme form of this 'sloppy comparison' can lead to destructive over-generalizations such as, "All men are lying bastards! Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly. This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past. Seek self-assurance Rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of reassuring yourself.
Start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them. What real evidence is there for this fear? I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity. In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did.
Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself. But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships.
So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships? You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals.
If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response.
Insecure People Quotes (13 quotes)
Stop trying to read minds. Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading.
This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.
When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Read Getting the Love You Want. Stop looking for perfect relationships. You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect.
You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones. Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before.
So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.
This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities. Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios.